Posted by: Salt | February 9, 2010

Things I think are hilarious. Vol 2.

Unless you just found out about the Internet yesterday, you are probably familiar with the People of Walmart (and if you aren’t and haven’t eaten recently…stop by there really quick and check it out so that you can gain an appreciation for what I’m talking about.) This website makes me really want to go to Walmart. Not to actually buy stuff – I have a phobia of shopping anywhere that I can get both meat and pants in the same place – but just to carry my camera around ninja-style and see if I can capture anything worthy of their photo galleries.

There is always something interesting going on over there. In fact, I just went for a moment and found no less than 5 things right away that made me want to gouge my own eyes out. The pictures range from funny, to confusing, to downright vom inducing. The whole concept is absolutely hilarious.

But the website as a whole is not why I’m here this morning. There is one picture in particular that was sent to me the other day and the sheer epic absurdity of it almost made my brain hemorrhage. I love this picture so much that I printed it out to hang on my bulletin board at work so that whenever I’m having a terrible day I can look at it and know that everything is going to be all right.

via People of Walmart dot com

Double-yew. Tee. Eff.

There is just so much going on here that I don’t even know where to begin. The heart and rainbow, possibly Care Bear themed pajamas? The Neo Nazi hooker boots? Her obvious love for Cheetos? How about we start with the fact that she has her cat with her in Walmart. Doesn’t that violate some sort of no pets policy? I doubt very much that it’s a seeing-eye cat. And the best part is that it doesn’t really seem to mind being there. If I tried to carry Oskar around for more than 10 seconds like that, I would be off to the emergency room and the whole store would probably burn to the ground. This woman is obviously completely bat sh*t crazy, but at the same time, she’s kind of my hero for having such a well behaved, laid back animal. I don’t even see a leash or a harness, which I imagine means that she carries it with her every. place. she. goes.

I so wish that this woman lived in Maryland, but instead the photo caption says Ohio. State of Ohio…you don’t even know how good you have it.

PS. Do you want to see something that’s NOT hilarious?

I am never wishing for snow again as long as I live.

33 Comments

Posted in animals, blizzard, hilarious things, snow | Tags: , , , , , ,

Posted by: Salt | February 8, 2010

Snopocalypse 2010.

A collection of pictures that will make you very glad you don’t live where I do. (And if you do live where I do…how much does this SUCK!?)

So according to the National Weather Service, we are about to break the all time record here in Charm City for snowfall in one season. Oh how I just love historical things! And guess what our prize is for breaking the record!? Apparently it’s MORE SNOW! We are supposed to get another 5+ inches tomorrow.

*insert string of expletives here*

Now don’t get me wrong, I actually really like snow in less offensive quantities. It makes everything look so magical, at least until it gets walked on and plows run over it and turns all dirty and gross looking. I missed it a lot when I lived in LA and the first time it snowed after I moved back east I practically peed my pants with excitement. But this is too much. Way way WAAAAY too much.

The storm started on Friday at around 11 am, but didn’t start to really stick until about 4 in the afternoon. That’s when my boss said we could leave so that none of us would die trying to get home. It continued to get worse and worse and was eventually so ridiculously awful that I couldn’t see the apartment building across the street. This continued until around 1 pm on Saturday when it finally started to let up.

Around 2 pm, M and I decided that we were going to start trying to dig our cars out. It was way worse outside than it looked from our living room window. Locally, we got close to 30 inches.

Dude? Where’s my car?

Oh. There it is.

After about an hour of digging we realized that it was pointless because where the hell were we going to drive to anyway? So we decided to walk to a store down the street for sandwiches. Kudos to these people for their big smarts. I wish I had skis.

You would think that we lived in BFE, but this is actually a major road.

Here’s M with our delicious sandwiches. I should have taken a picture of them. Mine was turkey and swiss on a toasted croissant. Yum.

About an hour after we got back and I had eaten my sandwich, I was suddenly bursting all over the place with energy and wanted to go outside to finish digging out my car. I figured that since I couldn’t get to the gym or to yoga and I despise Jillian Michaels far too much to ever do the Shred again, then this would have to be the next best thing. The snow was super heavy and I think I got a pretty good workout. My arm muscles are still feeling it today. HA! I don’t need you, Jillian!

Even though we missed out on our parties on Saturday, we still had a nice evening. We watched movies and played Life and drank beer instead. Oskar wanted to be in on the action. Like really in.

It was not very fun with only 2 people and M was all, “This game sucks!” But I think he was just mad that he ended up with all the children right at the beginning of the game which was expensive and then I took his big salary and became a cop and continuously charged him for speeding in his plastic orange car. I got to retire to Millionaire Estates AND I invented a better mousetrap. I win at Life.

Sunday we were both all the way over being stuck inside, so we decided to walk to our neighborhood bar for some Super Bowl festivities. The roads were a little better and it was sunny, but SO COLD. I forgot a hat and my ears almost froze off.

I predict that will take at least 4 months for the snow mountains to melt.

Later, everything had turned very icy for our walk home. When we got back, M noticed that the Volvo driving jerkface who had parked next to me had dug his car out and thrown a bunch of snow back in front of and under mine. I was about 2 seconds from turning into the Incredible Hulk and destroying everything within a 10 mile radius, but then M got the shovel and pushed all of the snow back in front of his car. Three cheers for passive aggression!

Somehow I managed to get out without too much effort this morning even though our parking lot is pretty much a skating rink. The roads were still terrible. Once I got to work, I was informed that the office didn’t even open until 10 am which was just great because I totally could have slept in for an extra hour. But at least I’m here and I got to wear jeans and hopefully everything will have been cleaned up a little better before it’s time to go home. If not, I can absolutely picture myself getting stuck on the side street that I had to come out of. The way out of my neighborhood is all downhill. Going back in…not so much.

I hope you all had a happy weekend! :)

41 Comments

Posted in blizzard, snow, winter | Tags: , , , ,

Posted by: Salt | February 6, 2010

These flowers are making me thirsty!

This is the story of the most epic floral arrangement ever.

As you might have heard *looks at post below* we are currently having a bit of weather here that has caused some of my pre-wedding funs to be cancelled for the weekend. Not only is my girls’ night affected, but apparently my wonderful work friends had planned to surprise me with a shower and it was called off due to impending snow doom. It is postponed until next week, but seriously could this storm be any more of a bridal Debbie Downer?

Anyway, here’s how I came to be in possession of these incredible flowers. Awesome work friend M (not to be confused with fiancé M) had ordered them for my shower, but by the time everyone decided that throwing a party while Mother Nature is on the rag is too dangerous, it was too late to cancel.

In a way it all worked out though because I was full of sorrow over missing not just one, but now TWO parties in my honor and flowers always help me to feel better.

And I’m telling you…these are not just ANY flowers. Check this ish out:

And now let me pause for a moment, while your mind is completely blown….

…

..

.

Ok, ready? So at first when Work M brought this into my office, I thought it was a giant real frozen strawberry marg and I was all, “I don’t even care that it’s 10am”. Hell, I was drinking beer at 6:45 am last weekend. The glass was even all icy and cold as if some bartender had just thrown the thing together with 3/4 of a bottle of Patron because I imagine that’s how much it would hold and I like my margaritas strong.

Then I thought…wait those flowers are real and likely would not be thriving in tequila (I’m good at science). So yes the pink frosty stuff is really plant foods and water and other things that will help my flowers to not die immediately, but what a brilliant and creative idea is this?! Please also note the one of several realistic-looking plastic strawberries that are mixed in with the flowers and the two giant straws sticking out (which I almost drank out of – thank goodness I had my smart science brain to stop me). The rest is made up of pink roses and big, beautiful lilies (love), and some other smaller white and purple pretties and baby’s breath. It is the most perfect and wonderful arrangement that I have ever received.

I definitely plan to make an enormous real margarita in that glass once it is not full of flowers.

My friends are awesome.

PS…Charm City is closed until further notice.

54 Comments

Posted in awesome, flowers, wedding | Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Posted by: Salt | February 5, 2010

Awesome vs. Not Awesome

Awesome: Someone giving you $1,000.
Not Awesome: Having your heart broken.

Awesome: Getting to see your most favorite band play live.
Not Awesome: Food poisoning.

Awesome: Rainbow unicorns.
Not Awesome: Getting punched in the face.

Awesome:

My last night as a single lady out on the town!
(Preferably not wearing any clothing items decorated with male genitalia! Yay!)

Not Awesome:

See that weather?! That right there is what is going to be ruining my girls’ night out this weekend. There was more to it; words such as “hazardous” and “strong winds” and “you’ll die if you try to go out with your friends”, but I became too enraged to post them on my blog. Rather than tearing up the streets of Charm City and getting stuck in bike racks, I will instead be buried in up to 2 feet of snow.

I effing hate you, winter.

But in other news of the AWESOME variety, I have a crap-ton of awards to pick up and give out! I will try to do this in the timeliest manner possible because the Bachelorette Party Ruining Snow Storm of 2010 is supposed to start any moment and I’ll likely be sent home from work early.

Ok so this first one is the Beautiful Blogger award.

I always love receiving this one because it’s nice to be associated with things that are beautiful. This time around, I got it from THREE (3) PEOPLE! Just typing that makes me beam with happiness. So thank you from the bottom of my beautiful heart, Hutch at Be Awesome Instead, Date Girl, and Shandal of My Life in 3D!

I’m supposed to tell you 7 interesting things about me…so I’ll just go back through this post and pick some out: I love money, watching my favorite bands play, and I think rainbow unicorns are just the most. I hate food poisoning, getting my heart broken, and being punched in the face. And I REALLY hate POS snow storms that ruin my fun plans.

Now I am supposed to pass it to seven people, but I am only going to pass it to three. These are some newer friends and I love their blogs!

Carrie @ Musings From Mt. Rogo
Amber @ Random Ramblings
Stephanie @ Le Sigh of a Fashionista

Next up is also from the wonderful Hutch of Be Awesome Instead. I know we would be friends in real life, because she likes Bikram yoga too.

I don’t think there are rules, so I am going to pass this on to another new friend: Erin @ The Mother Load!

The wonderful and very newlywedded Amber of Random Ramblings also left me two awards!

The rules for this one state that I’m supposed to say where I hope that I am in 10 years. So I’ll just go with “alive”. Then I’m supposed to pass it on to ten bloggers, but for the sake of this getting immensely long, I am going to pass it to two more new friends:

Samantha @ Apple Juice and Milk
Sara @ Sara Plays House

And for this one I’m supposed to list TEN more interesting things about me, but really, if you read my blog, you know enough about me already for now. I’m also going to pass this to five new bloggy friends (mostly because I like how the word “crap” is implied in it):

Cathy @ Antsy Pants
Mayra @ Life is Bananas.
Amber @ The Cherry Journal (even though she’s not really a NEW friend, but now she’s actually blogging more!)
Daffy @ Bat Crap Crazy
Ian @ The Daily Dose of Reality

Ok. Next.

Everyone loves to hear about how much they kick ass! And you know who else kicks ass? Samantha over at Apple Juice and Milk AND Kiera of Imperfect Daisies for passing this award on to me! (I totally forgot that Kiera had given me this one until she pointed it out. I suck…MY BAD!) And I will in turn pass this to a few more kick ass new friends:

Hutch @ Be Awesome Instead
Sara @ Sara Spelled Without an H
Emma @ Pink Bliss
Pixielation @ Creative Spayce

Because of the massive snow-on-the-brain that I am apparently suffering from today, I also almost forgot that Kiera passed this award to me!

And I would like to pass this one along to these new friends…

Blue Violet @ A Nut in a Nutshell
Kristen Lisa @ Now You Know
Carma @ Carma Sez

I swear this is it…

Last but certainly not at all least is one of my favorite awards in the long and distinguished history of blog awards. And it was given to me by one of my very favorite bloggers. Thank you to the fabulous hotpants™ of Handbags and Handguns! (Check out her awesome new blog layout too!)

The rules here say that I am supposed to list 6 things that I am a master of and then pass it along to 6 bloggers that I have become friends with through the magic of the internets. The thing is that aside from being a photoshop master (ummm did you see Ally’s and my guest post over at Kallay’s?) and a master of getting stuck in bike racks, I really think I’m a work in progress in every other area of my life.

*cheese alert*

And as far as passing this along to 6 people that I have become friends with via blogging, I have met so many wonderful and friendly and funny people here that there is no way I could ever pick my favorites. So if you would like to have this award, please take it from me! Chances are good that if you have been reading my blog, you are one of the people that I would have given it to anyway.

Now I’m off to the store to buy lots of beer in preparation for not going anywhere for two days. Boohisssss.

51 Comments

Posted in awards, awesome, not awesome, party, snow, winter | Tags: , , , , , ,

Posted by: Salt | February 4, 2010

Vince would be proud.

I usually reserve OLT for writing out what I wish I could say to people or things I encounter that are generally gross and/or lacking in the intelligence department. If you have been here awhile, you might have noticed that many of these interesting characters were found in one of my yoga classes. This week is no different.

However in an effort to prove that not all the people I practice yoga with are BAD weirdos, this OLT is dedicated to a gentleman in my Bikram class who I personally think might be a genius.

Dear Sir,

Hello! I thought I would introduce myself first because I have never seen you at Bikram before. I’m Salt and I’m usually in class on Wednesdays, but am considering coming on Fridays instead because the instructor’s voice doesn’t remind me of shards of broken glass being dragged down a chalkboard. Obviously you are not new to the studio because everyone seemed to know you. That’s awesome. I admire peoples’ perseverance when they keep coming back on the regular.

When I first saw you putting your mat down at the front of the room, I liked you immediately. You reminded me of Super Mario except not as heavy (it must be all that Bikram, right!?) and you were dressed in hot yoga friendly attire rather than blue overalls with a red shirt and hat. You have one of those faces that can wear a mustache without looking like you have creepy old panel van with “Free Candy” painted on the side sitting in the parking lot. I can appreciate that.

Anyway…at first I only admired your uncanny resemblance to my favorite video game character. But then something happened and it made me realize that you just might be the most brilliant person in the whole room. As we were getting ready for Trikonasana, the instructor spoke my most favorite words that I have ever heard in all of my yoga classes…

“Hey Steve…is that a ShamWow?”

Ummm excuse me WHAT?

So I looked over at you, Super Mario Steve, and on your mat was a large size ShamWow, just laid out there where all the rest of us less intelligents had only put down our regular towels.

I’ll admit…at first I laughed. But then I looked down at my own Gaiam towel and felt inadequate. Sure the microfiber material would do a decent job of whisking away my sweat, but you could pour an entire two liter of cola on your yoga mat and the ShamWow would suck it right up! Whether we like it or not, Bikram is a sweaty time and you and your mustache were probably enjoying the most moisture-free practice of any of us.

I bet Vince would be so proud that he’d slap chop a hooker in the face.* I can’t believe this use for a ShamWow never crossed my mind. My brain is obviously far inferior to yours.

So I’ve decided that we really need to be sidekicks (hence why I have been buttering you up with all the fabulous compliments about your smarts and non-molestache) and I was wondering if you could do a little something for me.

I know you’ve seen (and smelled) Mr. Catpee as he was right near you during last class, and I think maybe he could benefit from the amazing absorbing power of a ShamWow mat towel. Care to clue him in on it?

You’re the best! Stay SUPER!

Your new BFF,

*For those that might not be in the know, Shamwow Vince was arrested last year for beating a prostitute about the face after she bit him. What surprises me the most about that story? Nothing.

38 Comments

Posted in Bikram, open letter, yoga | Tags: , , , , , ,

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